I’m pretty sure I recently heard one of the spiritual leaders at my church say “if you don’t have children, you’re not a woman.”
*blank stare*
I’m saying pretty sure because it seems reeeeeally unbelievable that someone would say that, especially a well-respected, [should be] well-educated leader. But even my husband thinks he heard it, too.
Arguably the most referenced depiction of the Godly woman is given in Proverbs 31: 10-31. Basically all of those 22 verses are about her and what she’s doing with her own life. But four of the verses do mention family or household beyond her husband:
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
Three of the verses describe what she does, not who she is. The one verse that does speak to an intangible trait — being blessed — is the only one that specifically mentions children.
Verse 28 isn’t saying this woman is blessed only because she has children. Just that her children will call her blessed. Matter fact, though the Bible is clear in Psalm 127: 3-5 that children are a blessing:
3 Children are a heritage from the Lord,
offspring a reward from him.
4 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are children born in one’s youth.
5 Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their opponents in court.
I couldn’t find anywhere in the Bible that says a woman — or man even — is blessed only if they have children. It’s more probable that those without children may feel or be made to feel less blessed or incomplete. Probably by people saying things like “if you don’t have children, you’re not a woman.”
God doesn’t see it that way though.
First of all, save cases of environmental factors, infertility is biological and/or anatomical. Or, in unfortunate cases, some folks experienced trauma that rendered child bearing difficult or impossible.
And B. the Bible is full of “blessed are they…” verses. Since there’s a whole blueprint for being blessed, being a parent can’t possibly, then, be the only way.
So my response? Say something to them directly. Or don’t (because really, who has the bandwidth for that all the time). But regardless, shake that off and charge it to their obvious ignorance, especially after examining the source. Internalizing is suicide on the mental health.
Action Item:
Infertility is so little talked about that people really do forget about it. So be prepared for questions like the following:
- When are you having children?
- Why don’t you have children yet?
Sample Reply (important to practice this one out loud because it’s tricky and very complicated):
Ready?
“That’s gonna be none of your business.”
Or you could give a less snarky, probably more helpful answer meant to educate the asker. I now say, “we’ve lost three so I suppose whenever that stops happening”. Wait, I said less snarky. Y’all, pray for me!
It’s your choice how you respond. But be prepared and practice. Don’t feel compelled to quell the awkwardness a truthful response may bring either. Awkward is a good teacher.