Recently I posted a question in one of the online communities I’m in:

What do y’all tell people when they ask “when are you having kids?”

After a great convo with a friend, I’ve decided personally to turn the question around on the nosy though-probably-harmless-and-well-meaning offender and say “why do you ask?” I’ll let you know how that works out. I also have several other responses in the arsenal because it really depends on my mood.

Here are some other options — some of which I’ll definitely be using myself — for answering the most loathed question in the infertility community.

Responses that Open the Infertility Conversation:

  • “When I can afford IVF” or “when my body decides to start working the way it should”. They have no idea how to reply.
  • I just tell them the truth, “Oh, I can’t have kids, because I have PCOS. We’re working on it.” That usually either shuts them up, or gives me an opportunity to have a talk with them about how common PCOS is and how difficult it is to conceive.
  • “When God decides that we’ve had enough fertility treatments and blesses us with one.”
  • “We’re trying to do Invocell (like IVF) but it’s so expensive we have to save. Why? You want to help?”
  • I am brutally honest about our infertility.

Matter-of-fact Responses (AKA Not in the Mood Responses):

  • “It’s not as easy as you think” most people don’t know what to say after that.
  • “When my body decides to cooperate” usually with the fact that we’ve been trying for over 2 years now…. Don’t ask personal questions if you don’t want personal answers!
  • I simple say “I can’t”. That shuts them up.
  • “Stay out of my uterus.”
  • We haven’t shared our struggles with anyone. So when my mother told my husband and me to “get your butts in gear” regarding having a baby, I politely informed her that is NOT how babies are made. She dropped it. 😇
  • “We’ve been trying for 5 years.”
  • I started being honest. It makes people very uncomfortable and they never ask again.

Responses of Compassion:

  • I try to be as compassionate as possible to the person asking because I am honest about our story, but I don’t want them to feel badly for asking or belittle them. They ask because they care and they want me to have that joy not because they intend to hurt me or rub something in my face. I choose to find gratitude in being treated normal for once because Lord knows nothing else is normal about our baby-making journey. 🙂
  • I use it as a chance to educate because I don’t understand making people feel stupid. All that condones is people never asking again and keeping infertility in the shadows.
  • “We’d love to have kids but it hasn’t been part of our story yet.”
    And if they’re rude from there I let them know they’re being rude. I’ve had a couple really good conversations started this way. You never know. I assume someone’s simply ignorant until proven rude.

When You’re in a Sarcastically Joke-y Mood:

  • “Ouch, too soon, I have infertility.” 🤣
  • “I’ve only been trying for 3 years, so if you know when that’s gonna happen please let me know.” 
  • It either goes one of two ways: I say, “I have them” followed by tons of doggie photos. Or I say “that’s a very personal question” and I awkwardly stare at them.
  • “When I can afford IVF and I’m taking donations.” 😁
  • “Sex doesn’t get you pregnant. Or at least in our case, contrary to popular belief.” Over 9 1/2 years, I’ve gotten really creative and have had a lot of fun with it. I invoke emotion, use humor and allow people to see how every lucky they are. I love to educate especially, on infertility and at times find it empowering.
  • “If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that I’d be able to pay for my fertility treatments!”

As one respondent put it:

I think people genuinely don’t understand it’s a personal question. Before I dealt with infertility, I used to ask people if they wanted to have children. I didn’t realize some people can’t or that it’s a personal question. Now I would never ask anyone.

So whether you’re in the mood to educate, joke, return the discomfort or just not in the mood at all, there are options!

If you’re reading this as someone who doesn’t manage infertility, really think about it the next time you go to instinctively (and probably lazily) ask someone — especially a casual acquaintance — when they plan to have kids. Be ready for the response, whatever it may be.