Recurrent miscarriages are a nightmare. 

Here’s what happens when you see double lines on a home pregnancy test yet again.

First: *cry* *a lot* *and not from happiness*

I shouldn’t have taken this test. 

Why is this happening again? Why is this happening to me? Why is God doing this? Or at least allowing it? 

*ask God directly, yell to — or maybe at — him*

I should have just waited to see if my “period” would come on its own or really late. Then I wouldn’t have known. 

Except I’ve been diligently charting all month. So I know what this triphasic BBT and one-day-late period mean. 

I already knew I’d see a double line. Why’d I take this stupid test?! 

Wait, let me analyze and re-analyze my past charts. Just to make sure. Maybe I can find a different pattern. Maybe this test is different. 

Is this line darker than the others at this same DPO? Is it lighter?

Maybe this time, it’ll stick. 

No. Don’t get your hopes up. 

Don’t get your hopes up.

*cry more*

I can’t handle this again. 

What’s wrong with me? 

There must be something I haven’t found yet. Something the doctors haven’t found yet. Something rare perhaps. 

Does my body recognize these embryos as foreign? 

*spend at least an hour online*

I should be tested for every autoimmune disorder that exists, not just the “popular” ones. 

Do I have Celiac disease? I should be tested for that first. Gluten-free isn’t hard these days. 

Ok, what have I NOT tried yet? Strict diet modification. Acupuncture. Uterine massage. L-Arginine supplements. 

Crap, I have to work today. I don’t want to be around people. 

Or maybe I should be around people. 

What if this is real and it sticks this time. 

No, don’t…

But what if it DOES?

Will it survive even? Will I just have a later miscarriage at 8 weeks? 11 weeks? 20 weeks? Stillbirth????

What if every time I get pregnant, the baby dies?

When does this fear stop???

I’ll test again in two days and see if the line is darker. 

If it’s lighter….

*don’t cry*

I have to it pull together and go out into society now. I have to be “all good”. I have to walk around people who have no idea I may be in the middle of miscarrying yet ANOTHER baby. I have to answer “I’m good, and you?” when I’m asked how I’m doing today. 

Or I don’t have to do any of that. 

I want to tell someone. But then again, I don’t. Because if it sticks, I want the pregnancy to be a surprise. And announced later. 

Like normal people. 

Like people who don’t live this nightmare. 

What about my faith? Am I doubting by saying “if”? Is that fear?

No, I’m a human. Not a robot. This is ok. I’m ok. 

I’m ok. 

I’ll be ok. 

Make a plan. What’s next? IVF? A more aggressive, more specialized reproductive immunologist? All the natural changes I just thought of earlier?

A plan is comforting. I can do this. 

I won’t chart anymore. That way, I won’t know if this happens again. 

Everything isn’t in my control. I can only do what I can do. I can’t MAKE this happen or stop happening. 

I’m ok. 

It’s not the end of the world. It’s really not. It just FEELS wretched. And broken. 

But….

What if it sticks?