Something has happened and it’s been a while since I’ve written here because I wasn’t sure how to continue being an infertility ambassador in light of this something.
Doesn’t take many context clues here: I’m pregnant. Again. Or, I think I’m supposed to say we’re pregnant because it’s 2020 and that’s what you say now.
Even though I’m the one physically pregnant.
But I digress.
INFERTILITY: AN UNEXPECTED CHALLENGE
If you’ve clicked around a bit, you know we had three miscarriages in 2019.
When people get married or are young, the assumption is they’ll have children whenever they decide to. This is not the case for 1 out of 6 couples who are diagnosed with infertility. It is also not true for 1 out of 4 pregnancies which end in miscarriage. How are these unfortunate occurrences so common and yet no one knows or talks about it? In particular, the onus is usually placed on women yet men are statistically just as responsible (both male and female factors each account for 40% of fertility challenges).
We were diagnosed with what accounts for the frustrating remaining 20%: unexplained infertility.
After the second miscarriage, we knew something may be wrong and began fertility assessment along with exploring natural remedies. We were tested for everything — every genetic and cellular disorder, every physiological abnormality, every sperm and egg issue — and came back healthy in every way, though I would have rather received an answer. We were both taking multiple supplements daily and I was also prescribed medications. After the third miscarriage, I needed to take a break. All the while going on outwardly as though we had not lost three lives.
NATURAL CONCEPTION AFTER INFERTILITY
After the break and after a couple more months of trying with meds and supplements, I decided to stop all medications. The month I stopped the medications was the month we received our fourth positive test. We had conceived completely naturally without any interventions.
I was distraught, in fear and exasperation that we would lose yet another baby. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why this was happening [yet]. I cried to God audibly and desperately, to the point where my husband had to come help me off the bathroom floor. But once that immediate emotional response was released, I had to remember everything I knew, not what I felt. And everything I knew told me to get up.
Moreover, the pregnancy continued to progress. Day after day.
EXTREME ANXIETY AFTER MULTIPLE MISCARRIAGES: TELLING THE ENEMY “NO”
In November, while attending a family member’s funeral, I began to hemorrhage profusely. As my family members gathered around me in the bathroom, I cried again, confused at losing a fourth baby when my husband was sure God had promised us this one would make it. Was my lack of faith to blame then? At the ER later that day, my husband and I prepared for bad news that never came. There had been a hemorrhage, yes. But the baby was still alive with a strong heartbeat.
Besides being physically sick in my first trimester — which is fine because that’s normal — I came to realize that despite the good news, despite the life I was carrying, the enemy was working overtime on my mind.
Due to the very graphic visuals of my miscarriages that kept replaying in my mind and the constant anxiety of what felt like impending loss, I was beginning to have nightmares. On the second night of my nightmares, I woke up in the middle of the night shaken but angry. Angry that my mind was being attacked like it was. We prayed and we declared that I would NOT be tormented any longer. It was 4:19 AM, during the Fourth Watch, the same hour Jesus had seen his terrified disciples being tossed by a storm in their ship on the sea (large lake technically) and went out to comfort them. I was instantly comforted knowing that my Savior had seen me the entire time and had come to me in the Fourth Watch to help me pull myself up out of doubt. Reasonable doubt, considering the circumstances, but doubt all the same.
The nightmares stopped immediately. I am consciously and actively — and usually out loud — putting away anxiety when it tries to appear, as explicitly directed in Philippians 4:6-8. I am reminding myself daily that this is a new pregnancy and to look forward instead of backwards. George’s faith and reassurance is amazing and I look to his leadership often.
UNDESERVED FAVOR
In the infertility community, to be pregnant with a viable pregnancy in under one year is uncommon. However, by calculations, this child was conceived on October 20, the same Sunday my pastor preached about being moved to the front of the line. And we don’t believe in coincidences! We wholly believe we have been moved to the front of the line and I’m gonna tell it every chance I get.
I started being vocal about infertility online because infertility and miscarriages are so common but so little talked about, because people are always asking “when are you having children?” without thought that the person they’re asking may have lost pregnancies or be infertile, because infertility is a medical condition like diabetes or heart disease and should be treated as such, and chiefly because there is way too much dismal sadness and not enough hope and joy surrounding this topic.
We were blessed to eventually conceive a viable pregnancy but even if that weren’t the case, there is still life and joy and gratefulness to God. And there are also other avenues for growing a family. That’s the message I want to convey. I made a vow to God that anytime I talk about our pregnancy and this baby, I will tell the full story to glorify Him and help others.
continued advocate for infertility awareness
For all out there who believe in the power of prayer, please pray for us and the health of our rainbow baby and my mind. I know some of you already have and I thank you.
Though I’m now six months pregnant *insert bewildered wide-eyed emoji*, this story is really just beginning. I will continue to be an infertility ambassador, spreading awareness, acceptance and confidence about this medical condition; sharing the methods and tips I feel helped us naturally; and being a living advocate of the joy and contentment Jesus can provide even in the face of great challenges beyond our control.
Speaking of control, something tells me I may want to loosen a grip on my need for that going forward. As surreal as it is, a tiny — and probably pretty demanding — human is coming.
*insert more emojis of all types*