First of all, why all the pineapples?

Short answer: Because they wear crowns. Obviously.

Real answer: The pineapple is widely and happily accepted as the symbol of infertility and infertility awareness. There are theories why — that eating the bromelain-rich core aids in conception, that the fruit represents hope and strength — but no one really knows how it started.

Basically, someone started the pineapple thing and it stuck. Whatevs.

I love having this simple identifier. It’s like going to a really small no-one’s-heard-of-it college and then seeing someone else far away wearing your college logo. It’s exciting. Like you’re both in some exclusive tribe and can relate to one another.

The difference is, infertility is in no way exclusive. The CDC reports that 1 in 8 couples will experience fertility challenges. A more recent study reports 1 in 6. So if you know 5 other people, at least one of them needs or will need your support. There’s a lot of us!

For a medical condition to be so common, it’s super un-talked about. Here are 3 reasons why we all need to get talking:Se

1. The More We Speak Up, the More We Normalize Infertility.

Infertility is a medical diagnosis, people. Medical. Diagnosis. Not the plague. Or something for which to be burned at the stake 17th century witch trials-style. Not even like being a Duke fan (I’m a Tar Heel, had to do it). I ruptured my ruptured achilles tendon earlier this year and blabbed about it shamelessly to anyone who would listen. Medical diagnosis. Same thing. So there is no reason infertility should be spoken about in whispers and shame.

Most of the time, no did anything wrong to cause infertility. The problem is we treat people, particularly women, like they’re incomplete human beings if they aren’t parents. So when a woman wants to be a mom (which is not my personal story, by the way) but can’t, she feels or is made to feel like an alien. …… Correction: even an alien may fare better in our society as long as she had little alien babies trailing behind her.

The myth that infertility is something rare and far-removed will dissipate once people really realize how many are affected by fertility challenges.

Consider 1 in 700 babies born in the U.S. is born with Down’s Syndrome, 1 in 59 children will be diagnosed on the autism spectrum, and 1 in 8 women will develop breast cancer. Infertility affects 1 in 6! Now, why is it that all of those aforementioned conditions are less common but way more normalized than infertility?

You don’t want to feel stigmatized, my kindred, start talking about it.

2. Being Open About Infertility Makes the Journey Less Lonely

I hated to use the word “lonely” because, personally, I’m not. I’ve chosen a stance of openness. And even before I “came out”, my relationship with God and my small circle support group — led by my husband and partner on this road — made quick work of any isolation that tried to creep in. But my case is not the norm.

Most people who deal with infertility feel isolated because no one knows. No one knows about the miscarriages, the unexplained years of negative pregnancy tests, the hormones and medications, the emotional and physical exhaustion, the marriage strain, the anger, the double life, the reason behind the strict diet or supplement regiment, the envy. It’s draining.

It doesn’t have to be that way. How much of relief would it be to say to a friend, “I’m super excited for the birth of your niece but I’m having a rough time with baby photos and announcements right now so please be mindful not to send me too many”. Or to a coworker “Congratulations on your pregnancy but as you know, I’m having a challenging time after my miscarriage so I won’t be attending your baby shower next week.”

It’s not selfish! *take a deep breath and absorb that* That’s for my infertility kin and the whole surrounding village.

It’s not selfish to preserve your mental wellbeing.

I realize there’s the risk of having people then walk on eggshells around you (and no one wants that) but you can address that directly as well. Plus, your village is now aware of what’s going on with you versus you either disappearing inexplicably or having to grit your teeth through an unbearable event.

3. Opening Up Can Help Someone Else

My whole point of VOICE inFertility is to help someone. Even one person. I’m a storyteller by nature, a writer by talent and a guide — sometimes to a know-it-all fault — by personality. So I help by my written words, speech, direction and community-building.

You, kin, may help someone by showing them how close a diagnosis of infertility can be. That it’s not a scary, abstract thing only affecting “other people” they don’t know. Or that it can be lived through normally with joy like any other diagnosis, or beaten.

And village, your open-mindedness and awareness of our infertility kin helps us more than you know. For example, when y’all quit asking us when we’re having kids, that’ll be a huge start right there!

 

That’s the why. Next is the how. I’ll tell you how we did it and what you may want to prepare for. By far, the why outweighs any negativity that may come though. We have to do this, kin and village. Remember the stigma that kept mental illness in the shadows? Imagine if we could do that for infertility.